I was at the mile 3 marker – 3 months since I had checked into the hospital and yet I already felt like I had run a marathon. After months of what felt like conditioning and preparing to endure an unimaginable physical and emotional race. We had overcome one of the biggest hurdles, or so we thought. Sam’s kidneys had not functioned in- utero and his “outcome” would be determined by whether or not his kidneys began functioning after delivery.
Just a day after we were told there was nothing left that they could do for Sam, but by some wonderful, miraculous twist of fate, Sammy showed us he had a purpose here on earth. It was not his time to go and he was going to be here to teach us all something amazing. I made a deal with God, that September 8th, when I was told Sam was dying, I told Him that if He would just let my son stay with us, I swore I to do something truly wonderful in return. My life then took on a whole new meaning. I didn’t think much about this new meaning and what I would be facing; I just wanted him to live. I wanted so badly to believe that everything was going to be okay, but we were clearly not out of the woods yet, not by a long shot and for the next days, weeks and months I would fight the fight along with Sam.
One week after Sam’s birth, I was still living on the maternity floor. That was fine because it made it feel less as if I was leaving my baby behind. I stared out the window of my hospital room. The sky looked dull and gray – much like I felt inside. I wondered if life would ever be normal again. I wondered why this was happening to us.
It has only taken me thirteen years to write anything about our story. I can honestly say that I have perseverated about it endlessly, even thought about writing a book but I was always afraid I would end up like Jack Nicholson’s character on the “Shining,” you know, the one that locks himself in a room for months, and slowly goes crazy, writing the same line over and over again. So, out of fear of ending up like some variation of that, I didn’t write anything – until now.